Healing

 So many times looking back over my life, I so wanted the healing process to just speed up.  Even totally skip it, if it at all possible.  On so many occasions I grew so impatient with God, just wanting Him to heal me already.  I didn't like or want to deal with the pain of the process. I had slowly convinced myself that the pain wasn't worth the perceived little growth it yielded.  That's why I was blown away the other day listening to Luminate's new song, "Healing In Your Arms." God is so unbelievably good to us.

This whole time I've been so hard on God and myself, believing that healing would never fully come.  Then, right out of the blue, comes this unprecedented evidence that healing had been taking place all along.  Sure, I know that God is a God of restoration and that He was healing me.  And I could show you countless pieces of evidence of that very healing in my own life.  But, I live with my own shortcomings, and they are undeniable evidence that healing still hasn't completely run its course.  I lived with the belief that I may take my last breath and still not be fully recovered from the painful experiences of my past.  And, that still may be true.

However, God used a circumstance a couple of weeks back to completely bless me with an amazing gift.  I had not seen my biological mother in nearly sixteen years.  In fact, I had only spent a handful of hours with her over the past thirty years.  When I saw her sixteen years ago, it became evident pretty quickly that I was not ready for that reunion.  It brought back way too much pain.  Pain I had long buried. I couldn't see it at the time, but it was all part of HIS plan.  You can't deal with something that's buried.  It had to be dug up to be dealt with.

So, when I saw a facebook friend request from my biological mother late last year, my heart leaped into my throat.  Sure I missed her and wanted to know how she was doing, but didn't know if I was ready to deal with all the other stuff.  Plus, I wasn't sure how much I could trust her.  After praying about it, I accepted her friend request.  We slowly became re acquainted with each other and although she was very respectful of my wishes, I was still very distant and pushed back any attempt by her to get close.  I was content to leave our relationship in the world of facebook, until a photo changed my life.

It was an old, worn out black and white picture of my mom, dad and me.  I was about five months old and my mother was pregnant with my brother.  When I looked at the photo for the very first time, I wept.  Something about that photo hit me so hard.  I always knew my mom was young when I was born, but seeing it, well that was different.  You see, I have a daughter who is 10 and she's not much younger than my mother in the photograph.  God immediately moved on my heart and allowed my eyes to be open.  How can I hold my mother responsible, for the rest of her life, for things she did as a teenager?  After all, I had forgiven her already anyhow.  My heart broke for her in that moment and I knew I would have to go and see her.  I wanted her to know that I had, indeed, forgiven her.

Tara and I set in motion a plan that would bring my mom back into my life.  We packed up the family and took a trip south.   I tried not to think about the ramifications the visit would have on me.  The last time I saw mom, it literally took me years to fully get past what had been stirred up emotionally.  Plus, I thought this whole time I was doing this for her.  What I also didn't realize is that God was about to show me the work He had been doing in me over the past sixteen years.  He was about to present me with an incredible gift.

Seeing my mom so happy brought such joy to my heart.  She told us she hadn't slept at all nights before our arrival, because she was so excited and nervous.   Tara felt blessed to spend some time with the woman who brought her husband into this world and couldn't believe how much our kids, especially our boys, look so much like her.  At the end of our first day, I asked my mom how she was doing.  She said it had been the best day she had ever had.  She called it "Perfect."

It wasn't until after we had said goodbye and headed home, that I began to notice this gift that God had so nonchalantly left for me.  Normally, after a visit like this, or anything to do with my past really, I have to fight off deep depression and other hard to explain feelings.  When I finally realized I wasn't fighting any this time, it scared me.  I knew I should be experiencing something negative.  I always had.  But as I sought God and talked it out with Tara, God began to show me the reason I wasn't experiencing the, so typical, painful feelings.

Healing.

Leading up to this trip, I really believed that God was orchestrating this whole plan totally for my mom.  I never gave a second thought about this being about anything else.  But God being so good to me used it as an opportunity to show me just how much ground had been gained.  How much work He had done.  And although I'm not totally sure where this relationship with mom will end up and I still need to proceed with caution, I'm so grateful for the ground God has already won back.  Sometimes, we're just way too close to see the growth.  When you're in the trenches, it's so hard to see the ground you're winning.  And no matter how it feels or where you think you are, God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.  And HE won't.  We just need to trust trust HIM to the best of our ability and He'll carry us the distance we can't walk.  He's always at work.  We just have to be obedient to what He's asking of us.

If I can be praying for you, please don't hesitate to let me know; joeb@newlifemedia.org

Joe Buchanan serves New Life Media as Network Music Director.www.newlifemedia.org (WBGL,WIBI & WCIC) We work very hard to honor God through serving you. Your input is very important to us and decisions are made regularly, based on the opinions you have. To assure that your opinion is being heard, please join our Music Advisory Panel today. Click on your station for a direct link. Thanks!
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